I’ve mentioned before and I’m sure I’ll mention again that October is not a great month. I’m not a fan of the darkened days. I *really* don’t like getting up in the dark. The chill in the air is apparent and as much as I do love the cool crisp fall air, I’m not a fan of snow. We’ve had one snowfall so far and could potentially get a dumping this weekend.
And I’m just not ready for it. The only time I can really ever say I was ready for it to snow was the year we didn’t have any until almost Christmas.
I live in Canada. Northern Alberta. It’s supposed to be cold in the winter. We’re supposed to have snow. But despite living here for 8.5 years, I’m still not loving the winter. If I could live where there was a 2 month winter, or where you could go see snow on the mountains within an hour, I’d be all over it.
And shit just seems to HAPPEN in October. We have family members going through treatment for various things. We have anniversaries of deaths in and around October of people who left us too soon. I’m going through a particularly bad spell of anxiety and am now trying a new medication which is resulting in me being dizzy. Not slightly light-headed but downright dizzy. I look out the window and do a little “woooo” sound as the world moves for a second. I can’t drive so my kids have missed school. Chef Husband is doing his best to get the kids to school around his teaching schedule and we have an amazing friend who took the kids after school yesterday until Chef Husband could get them, but today they’re home.
But you know what? Even though all of this is shitty and I’ve really had better days, it’s all small stuff. (Well, the sick relatives isn’t so much small stuff). I still have my family. I still have my friends. My firey little spunky daughter is about to be 5. My best friend next door and my best friend across the country are there for me every day. I am lucky.
I see what I’m going through as a blip. Tracy said to me yesterday that she feels like I’m on a huge journey and you know what? I am. I’m on a journey of self discovery and despite needing to go back to the medication route, I feel more comfortable with this decision than I ever have before. I know that with medication and everything else I am doing, I can get back to being an active member of society. I can get back to participating in events and walking into the mall to get something without having to ground myself first and sometimes run out the doors the second I’ve walked in them.
I’m on a journey. It’s like my own never-ending vacation. Some people go on retreats to find themselves; I sit in my living room and think. (As an aside, I’d absolutely love to go on a self discovery retreat, yoga retreat, silence retreat.. any retreat really, but finances prevail). And I’m still learning. I’m still on that journey as long as I remember that all of this is happening because I need it to. It’s happening so I can be stronger, be more aware, and grow as a person.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve cursed more than a few times this week. I’ve prayed about why everything is happening. I’ve crumbled and whined. Because through it all, I’m human. But I have to believe that all of this is for some greater good. There has to be a lesson in everything. It’s what I have to believe and what I do believe.
So do me a favour. Try not to sweat the small stuff today. Because the small stuff may be what makes you great.